I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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