dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
