She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
