I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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