why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
