just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Four minutes until I can fart!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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