i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
