What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
