I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
