He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
