Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
