all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
