I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
