I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
