two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
