i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
