Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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