Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
