I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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