Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
