In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
