If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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