the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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