i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
