Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
