U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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