If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
