I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
