Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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