i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
