i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
