Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
