I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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