so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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