His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
this just has baby written all over it
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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