I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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