tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
