she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
