Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
