I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
