i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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