I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
