god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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