I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
