i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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