she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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