WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
it's great music for shaving your balls
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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