We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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