i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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