You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
