we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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