The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
